so much going through my mind... and so little time to actually sit and write about it.
I can't decide whether or not to share comical moments, or the things that i have been learning in the last weeks. So probably i will just ramble, and you will just get to read whatever comes out....
I will say that i am ready to go home. I miss my house, my schedule, my church.... so many things. I know why i am here. Wanting to go home, sounds so selfish.
People ask, "how are you" or "how is mom"... I am ok. Then they look at me with a squint, and almost the evil eye, like they are trying to look in my brain and see if i am telling the truth.
Let me set the record straight..... really i am OK. Dad is gone. That sucks. But there is life to live and kids to raise and school to teach, and life goes on. If i sat and sulked.... i don't think my dad would be very proud of me. I cry. Some of the cards people send really are sweet and thoughtful, and they make you cry. Maybe i am too practical, or less emotional ( although i am not sure my husband would agree with that one...lol.... i am able to cry at a commercial sometimes) Maybe it is because i am the oldest... i don't know... but really folks. I am ok.
Mom, She is sad. She feels like we all have lives and things to do, and she doesn't anymore.... she is lonely. last night she fell asleep in one of his shirts. That will make you wanna cry....trust me.... Good news though, she is off and out of the house for a few days. She is visiting friends, and that is a good thing. Keep her in your prayers. Her hurt is deep. God is good, and He will supply for her in her need, but her hurt is deep. Their 42nd anniversary is this week. 'nuff said.
Another horribly sad note is the loss of our puppy. He somehow contracted parvo, before i could get him in for any vaccinations... he was 7 1/2 weeks old. Tayler has taken it very hard. she is our animal gal. She would have me living in Tayler's ark if we didn't have boundaries. She has always said she someday wanted to be a vet. Hopefully this loss doesn't change her mind. Now i need to get the other dogs at home vaccinated ( don't look scandalized... my dogs are healthy!! ) I just need to get someone to the feed store in Pasco and give them the shot. This parvo, is on our clothes and shoes, and will be for a long time, and we don't want to bring home something to them either. Seeing one dog with this disease is enough. I never want to see it happen again!
On a good note.... I am learning lots. Mom has my grandmothers ( dad's mom ) library here. I have been reading a book about Hudson Taylor. There is one on the 23rd Psalm that i want to read. The kids and i are going through the pursuit of holiness by Jeff Bridges. I am learning alot, and I really hope that they are as well. They seem to be finding new truths, and are excited to do the reading and the study work.... so i will take that as a good sign. I will get back to you on more about what we have learned.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
his last day
Monday October 19th was dad's last day of life here on earth.
He went to be with his heavenly father while his sister was reading Psalms to him. His last earthly thoughts were of his Savior, then he opened his new eyes and saw him....... how cool is THAT??
Our sadness, for ourselves really, is keen. He will be missed in many parts of our lives. Even through the sadness there is joy for him.... that his sorrow is no more, that his pain is no more, and he lives eternally and with no more cancer.
What will happen to you when you die? Do you know? Are your firm in your conviction? If you don't know, or aren't sure, or have a question. Message me. I would love to be able to talk with you about where you will spend your eternity.
Dad's memorial service will be held at 3pm November 21st, at Redwood Chapel in Castro Valley Ca. Please call 510-886-6300 if you need directions.
He went to be with his heavenly father while his sister was reading Psalms to him. His last earthly thoughts were of his Savior, then he opened his new eyes and saw him....... how cool is THAT??
Our sadness, for ourselves really, is keen. He will be missed in many parts of our lives. Even through the sadness there is joy for him.... that his sorrow is no more, that his pain is no more, and he lives eternally and with no more cancer.
What will happen to you when you die? Do you know? Are your firm in your conviction? If you don't know, or aren't sure, or have a question. Message me. I would love to be able to talk with you about where you will spend your eternity.
Dad's memorial service will be held at 3pm November 21st, at Redwood Chapel in Castro Valley Ca. Please call 510-886-6300 if you need directions.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
it's all part of life
Haven't been here in a while. I have been just a tad busy. All my busy-ness hasn't been for frivolous causes...
You see, there is this great guy I know. I have known him for 39 years. I am not his oldest friend, nor am I his newest... i fall somewhere neatly into the middle of his life. It seems tho, like everyone else who knew him, he had a profound effect on me.
I am referring to my dad. Mr. Richard Gabel. Son of Arthur and Ann Gabel. Brother to Sonny, Janet and Jim. Husband to Iris. Father to Julie, Kelly and Amy. Friend to SOOOO many.
As i sit here and type, the house is full. There are people crammed in every corner. I hear the voice of Joe Linn, talking to my son. I hear my Aunt Janet reminiscing with an old Redwood Friend... Tanya is over, and when i left the room she was holding dad's hand.
This isn't just a rare occurrence that is unique to only today. It is something that has been happening for weeks. Day after day.... people arrive. Some with food, some with cards or plants, but everyone of them, with a memory to share. A memory of who my dad was to them. They come to share their stories with us.
We have learned that my dad threw a tape measure at a bus in San Fransisco, because it ran over his carpet.
We have learned that he caught people doing things they shouldn't, and gently rebuked them, but never spoke ill of them to others.
We have heard stories about trips to Disneyland when he was a paperboy, how stupid Mike the dog was, how patiently he taught someone a trade, or how to drive a car ( i can testify to THAT ONE!)
We have heard how he comforted others in their grief, how he inspired some to be better than they were, how he had a gentle way of getting his point across. How he fixed this bathroom for this person, how that fence was falling till he got there, how he served in Boys Brigade, Sunday School, as an Usher, for Communion, flew missionaries to prisons, was a first person to sponsor a new missionary.... countless stories of servant hearted moments...... all of which have been weaved carefully into the fabric of who he was, and serve as a testimony for the God he served and loved.
When he was first sick, he cried out to God, pleading, for his children and Grandchildren to never have to endure this illness. He cried out to God about his feelings of dying, and feeling like he had no control over it. Time after time, struggle after struggle.... where the rubber met the road, he reached up to talk to God. I would have to say, that speaks volumes to me about how my dad viewed God. Even in his acknowledgement that he was soon going to leave this earth, he didn't rail, he didn't get angry, he didn't blame God. He prayed for healing if it was God's will, and for the grace to endure if it wasn't his time for a miracle.
Often I hear people wonder what people will think of them when they are gone. They wonder how they will be remembered. Blessedly we are being given insight into how dad will be remembered, not only by his immediate family, but by those he has had the occasion to interact with.
It is a reminder to me that all of our lives are on display, others are ALWAYS watching. They watch the pretty, and not so pretty moments of who we are. Dad put floors into peoples homes. He had many the occasion to see new people all the time, many of them unchurched, many that do not know the God he served.... When those people call, they tell us that he is a "neat man", the "kindest man they ever knew", we hear "he always just loved", "he would give you the coat off his back". When i hear these statements from people who are not believers, i know that they are a testimony to a life lived for Christ. They don't use my terminology, but their expressions and endearments, are evidence of a Christ follower in action.
What a wonderful life story to have. To have people seeing the Lord, through you, even when they don't understand fully what they are seeing. I pray that God uses the legacy of Dad's life, to bring those he had the chance to spend time with, to a saving knowledge of Him.
May God grant me the strength and ability to affect those around ME, with the same servant hearted model that my father lived, to carry the legacy....., to return the favor...., of having such a wonderful role model. I pray that my life story is as strong a testimony as dad's.
You see, there is this great guy I know. I have known him for 39 years. I am not his oldest friend, nor am I his newest... i fall somewhere neatly into the middle of his life. It seems tho, like everyone else who knew him, he had a profound effect on me.
I am referring to my dad. Mr. Richard Gabel. Son of Arthur and Ann Gabel. Brother to Sonny, Janet and Jim. Husband to Iris. Father to Julie, Kelly and Amy. Friend to SOOOO many.
As i sit here and type, the house is full. There are people crammed in every corner. I hear the voice of Joe Linn, talking to my son. I hear my Aunt Janet reminiscing with an old Redwood Friend... Tanya is over, and when i left the room she was holding dad's hand.
This isn't just a rare occurrence that is unique to only today. It is something that has been happening for weeks. Day after day.... people arrive. Some with food, some with cards or plants, but everyone of them, with a memory to share. A memory of who my dad was to them. They come to share their stories with us.
We have learned that my dad threw a tape measure at a bus in San Fransisco, because it ran over his carpet.
We have learned that he caught people doing things they shouldn't, and gently rebuked them, but never spoke ill of them to others.
We have heard stories about trips to Disneyland when he was a paperboy, how stupid Mike the dog was, how patiently he taught someone a trade, or how to drive a car ( i can testify to THAT ONE!)
We have heard how he comforted others in their grief, how he inspired some to be better than they were, how he had a gentle way of getting his point across. How he fixed this bathroom for this person, how that fence was falling till he got there, how he served in Boys Brigade, Sunday School, as an Usher, for Communion, flew missionaries to prisons, was a first person to sponsor a new missionary.... countless stories of servant hearted moments...... all of which have been weaved carefully into the fabric of who he was, and serve as a testimony for the God he served and loved.
When he was first sick, he cried out to God, pleading, for his children and Grandchildren to never have to endure this illness. He cried out to God about his feelings of dying, and feeling like he had no control over it. Time after time, struggle after struggle.... where the rubber met the road, he reached up to talk to God. I would have to say, that speaks volumes to me about how my dad viewed God. Even in his acknowledgement that he was soon going to leave this earth, he didn't rail, he didn't get angry, he didn't blame God. He prayed for healing if it was God's will, and for the grace to endure if it wasn't his time for a miracle.
Often I hear people wonder what people will think of them when they are gone. They wonder how they will be remembered. Blessedly we are being given insight into how dad will be remembered, not only by his immediate family, but by those he has had the occasion to interact with.
It is a reminder to me that all of our lives are on display, others are ALWAYS watching. They watch the pretty, and not so pretty moments of who we are. Dad put floors into peoples homes. He had many the occasion to see new people all the time, many of them unchurched, many that do not know the God he served.... When those people call, they tell us that he is a "neat man", the "kindest man they ever knew", we hear "he always just loved", "he would give you the coat off his back". When i hear these statements from people who are not believers, i know that they are a testimony to a life lived for Christ. They don't use my terminology, but their expressions and endearments, are evidence of a Christ follower in action.
What a wonderful life story to have. To have people seeing the Lord, through you, even when they don't understand fully what they are seeing. I pray that God uses the legacy of Dad's life, to bring those he had the chance to spend time with, to a saving knowledge of Him.
May God grant me the strength and ability to affect those around ME, with the same servant hearted model that my father lived, to carry the legacy....., to return the favor...., of having such a wonderful role model. I pray that my life story is as strong a testimony as dad's.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
visit with dad..... NO 2
so... today sucked. we went to the dr... and they weren't kidding..... the new tumor is big. big meaning it looked about the size of a kidney bean. but in a brain that has only so much room...it is disasterous.... we had to decide to give him a feed tube or not. they explained that he would be in more pain in the long run if we did do it... so we decided not to. we told him we wanted to do right by him...and in a moment of total clarity... he told us that in the end...whatever we did would be right. even now he can still give comfort....God is good.
mom and amy are grieving hard. we all are. but we all do it differently.... mom wore one of his shirts today. one of the ratty ones she used to always want him to change out of..... but when you can't get a hug.... the shirt is the next best thing.....
it is hard to say goodbye to your pillar of strength. to your biggest fan... to the best date.... to the guy who would always listen and who had great advice. to the man who shaped your life and influenced so many other peoples lives.
i love you daddy.... you will be missed
mom and amy are grieving hard. we all are. but we all do it differently.... mom wore one of his shirts today. one of the ratty ones she used to always want him to change out of..... but when you can't get a hug.... the shirt is the next best thing.....
it is hard to say goodbye to your pillar of strength. to your biggest fan... to the best date.... to the guy who would always listen and who had great advice. to the man who shaped your life and influenced so many other peoples lives.
i love you daddy.... you will be missed
Friday, September 25, 2009
Visit with Dad.... No2
Dad seems to be perking up a bit since we first got here.. that doesn't mean that he is getting any better, just that he doesn't seem as tired, and he is full of some extra random converstations.
He has lots to say, just none of it makes any sense. He will start a converstation and then he cant end the sentence.... most of his conversations are random, and have nothing to do with any topic that is being discussed. Mom though, listens to him with rapt attention, as is he is telling her the most important story. It is so, so sweet.
He has lots to say, just none of it makes any sense. He will start a converstation and then he cant end the sentence.... most of his conversations are random, and have nothing to do with any topic that is being discussed. Mom though, listens to him with rapt attention, as is he is telling her the most important story. It is so, so sweet.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Psalm 23....the jc version
Yesterday i put Psalm 23 at the end of the post.... I got to thinking about how sometimes i like to re-write the Psalms. Not in a way that is sacrilegious or sanctimonious... because i do not intend to add to, or belittle the Bible. I have just found that sometimes i understand a passage of Scripture better when i place myself directly into it. The Bible tells us that it is sufficient for all things, and sometimes it is neat to look back on times in your life and see how a portion of scripture "spoke" to you at one time, and how it "speaks" again, but differently to you in a different season of your life.
It is quiet here now, dad is resting, mom is catching flies in the chair next to him, Jeremiah is blissfully napping.... So i will pause, and recharge my own soul, with God's Word.
Psalm 23
Lord, you are my leader;
because of Your care for me, I have no cause to worry.
You remind me to rest;
You bring me to a quiet place to drink.
You repair, refresh, and soothe, my soul;
because of this I will follow you always.
You are my God.
Even now, as there is a shadow of death about me,
I am not afraid, instead I hope.
Why? Because you are HERE... with me now, in this very moment.
All of who you are, is a comfort to me.
In the midst of life's chaos, when I focus on You, I can rest and eat;
be reminded of how You chose me......and I know, just know.... in my soul, that Life is good!
Viewing life as you want me to, lets me focus on my hope....Living FOREVER with you.
It is quiet here now, dad is resting, mom is catching flies in the chair next to him, Jeremiah is blissfully napping.... So i will pause, and recharge my own soul, with God's Word.
Psalm 23
Lord, you are my leader;
because of Your care for me, I have no cause to worry.
You remind me to rest;
You bring me to a quiet place to drink.
You repair, refresh, and soothe, my soul;
because of this I will follow you always.
You are my God.
Even now, as there is a shadow of death about me,
I am not afraid, instead I hope.
Why? Because you are HERE... with me now, in this very moment.
All of who you are, is a comfort to me.
In the midst of life's chaos, when I focus on You, I can rest and eat;
be reminded of how You chose me......and I know, just know.... in my soul, that Life is good!
Viewing life as you want me to, lets me focus on my hope....Living FOREVER with you.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Visit with Dad.... No 1
Well, can i just be candid for a moment? My dad looks like crap.
That out of the way, let me try to explain to you what everyday around here is like.
He wakes up around 8 or 9 am. We get him up, and help him shuffle to the bathroom. Hopefully he can go........ if not we shuffle back to the bed and dress him.
......He needs a diaper full time now, he can not adequately express to us sometimes how he needs to get to the bathroom, consequently... he has many more accidents. This is frustrating to him, because he would like his bathroom time to be much more private than it is... but with the fear of him falling... or the need to clean him, alone time on the potty for him... is a thing of the past.....
After getting dressed. we shuffle to the kitchen for breakfast.
.........the shuffle is a walk that is fully supported by my mom in the back with her arms up under his arms...and with someone in the front supporting his arms and encouraging him to walk forward.....
Then we get to try to have him take his pills. This is a challenge... today we spit out 6 different ones..... so we gave up. At least the important one went down... his Coumadin (blood thinner).... anything past that important pill is gravy.
Some days he can feed himself, others he needs to have someone help. Along with cereal, he has a protein shake. He will sit and watch some TV for awhile, and then he gets tired... so shuffle to the bathroom, and then back to bed by 12 for a nap that is 2 to three hours long.
repeat the breakfast process minus the pills, and you now know what dinner is like. He is in bed by 8 or 9 pm. Sometimes earlier. There is usually now a middle of the night accident. So mom is up and cleaning him once or twice a night.... and she is so tender and sweet when she does it. Those cleanings require someone else to get up and help, because she can't move him and remove the pads and such alone.
Walking in to this life........ so drastically different than when we were here in May.... was hard to see.... It is exhausting work. There is never a moment alone, never one with out total vigilance, never really a time to even sleep without one ear or eye open for fear he will get up, and hurt himself.
Awhile ago, i posted about how we try to define "fine" when talking about dad.... in my opinion.... this doesn't even come close to "fine".... this is bad.
Yet, this is where we are......... and care for him is what we must do. It is our turn to give back to him all the love and generosity that he has shown to us, and others all his life. Our chance to be tender, and show him Christ's mercy, as we care for his most basic of life's needs. Pray for us all as we walk through this valley of life with dad.... knowing that not for one moment are we alone.... Our Shepard is with us..........always.
Psalm 23
That out of the way, let me try to explain to you what everyday around here is like.
He wakes up around 8 or 9 am. We get him up, and help him shuffle to the bathroom. Hopefully he can go........ if not we shuffle back to the bed and dress him.
......He needs a diaper full time now, he can not adequately express to us sometimes how he needs to get to the bathroom, consequently... he has many more accidents. This is frustrating to him, because he would like his bathroom time to be much more private than it is... but with the fear of him falling... or the need to clean him, alone time on the potty for him... is a thing of the past.....
After getting dressed. we shuffle to the kitchen for breakfast.
.........the shuffle is a walk that is fully supported by my mom in the back with her arms up under his arms...and with someone in the front supporting his arms and encouraging him to walk forward.....
Then we get to try to have him take his pills. This is a challenge... today we spit out 6 different ones..... so we gave up. At least the important one went down... his Coumadin (blood thinner).... anything past that important pill is gravy.
Some days he can feed himself, others he needs to have someone help. Along with cereal, he has a protein shake. He will sit and watch some TV for awhile, and then he gets tired... so shuffle to the bathroom, and then back to bed by 12 for a nap that is 2 to three hours long.
repeat the breakfast process minus the pills, and you now know what dinner is like. He is in bed by 8 or 9 pm. Sometimes earlier. There is usually now a middle of the night accident. So mom is up and cleaning him once or twice a night.... and she is so tender and sweet when she does it. Those cleanings require someone else to get up and help, because she can't move him and remove the pads and such alone.
Walking in to this life........ so drastically different than when we were here in May.... was hard to see.... It is exhausting work. There is never a moment alone, never one with out total vigilance, never really a time to even sleep without one ear or eye open for fear he will get up, and hurt himself.
Awhile ago, i posted about how we try to define "fine" when talking about dad.... in my opinion.... this doesn't even come close to "fine".... this is bad.
Yet, this is where we are......... and care for him is what we must do. It is our turn to give back to him all the love and generosity that he has shown to us, and others all his life. Our chance to be tender, and show him Christ's mercy, as we care for his most basic of life's needs. Pray for us all as we walk through this valley of life with dad.... knowing that not for one moment are we alone.... Our Shepard is with us..........always.
Psalm 23
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