Saturday, April 3, 2010

Implements of torture

I will apologize now if this post seems a bit irreverent, especially on the heels of yesterdays more serious post...  but sometimes life is like that... salty and sweet, serious and hysterical, all at the same time.

Today I decided to do battle.  Oh, I have been "playing war" for a while now.... hiding in the bushes, and shooting pot shots at the enemy.... but today, I invested in the big guns..... I bought a wax pot.  I am tired of "Nad"-ing the face, and watching it all scury back....  I have tried wax before, in those Sally Hansen microwave mini cups..... not only does the stuff not melt right.... it ends up looking like a cross between an alien blob trying to climb out of the jar, and a freeze dried sea anemone.... not to mention you can NEVER get the top back on!  We won't even talk about the amount in that little tiny jar being INSUFFICIENT for the job...........I could pluck.... but really who has the time to be married to a mirror?  I don't.  I don't even LIKE mirrors most days.  So I went to the local beauty supply store and bought the preverbial cannon.  I need this cannon, because the BB gun aint cuttin' it.  Unlike most of the rest of feminine creation, I am NOT hair free.  I have hair on  my lips, my chin, my forehead, my neck.... if it grows somewhere on a guy's face... I got it there too!.... so now you better understand my direct decendence from Sasquatch.... you understand the need for a higher fire power.

Now, I have had experience with these things.... at the hair salon, or nail shop....  I have had the side burns waxed... or the eyebrows done, but somehow, somewhere, you get the impression that waxing "like a professional"  is one of those things that if it were on TV would be preceeded by the disclaimer.... "now kids, don't ever try this at home"  .... I am here to tell you....... I lived.  The hair is gone.  And a legal team did not materialize in my shower............  in fact, I actually recommend it.  It was fast, it got all the hair the FIRST time ( unlike Nad's) and I didn't have to run to the microwave 60 times (like with Sally).  Albeit, it is easier to "hold one's skin taut" when you have two hands to do it, and one of them is not poised to RIP the hair from your flesh.... but it can be done.... and would have been rather humorous to watch, I'm sure, had I not locked myself in the bathroom.

Things worth noting: 
1. the wax is STICKY.... when you peel off the lid to start warming it.... don't get it on your fingers!
2. less is more.... you use an incredibly minute amount of product to produce desired results.
3. there is a reason that they use a stick once per application.  Did I mention that it is STICKY, and one stick per swipe keeps your fingers clean.  Go to Walmart and buy a gross of wide popsicle/craft sticks it will be cheaper than the ones at the supply house.
4. get the wax removal substance they sell.  I didn't, and I wish I did. ( this does not mean I walking around with globs on my face.... a little baby oil will take it off too....)
5. do the deed, at least a DAY before you need to go ANYWERE!.... while I am currently hair free ( insert the joyus strains of the hallelujah chorus here)  my face is red, mildly numb, and blotchy.... not exactly "hey sexy.... wanna go on a date?" material.
6. get the little pot rings they item I debated on is worth it to keep your pot from looking like a dried sea anemone.
7. it didn't hurt as bad as I thought... and actually less than Nad's did... maybe it is the warm of the wax opening the pores a bit before the ripping.... who knows, but I certianly wasn't jumping around the bathroom cursing Eve after each rip.........

I will let ya know how long it takes to grow back................


  1. You may well have just saved me a FORTUNE! :)

    And can I say I a humbled by your candor?!

  2. just so you know... day two... face still feels a little wierd... cant quite figure out if it is because of the total absence of hair, ( you know that fresh shaved leg feeling on clean sheets??... yeah, my face feels that way... just minus the sheets )
    or my folicles are in TOTAL UTTER shock and the nerve endings are numb.....


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